Letter to Erin 20160502

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I agree with your brother that you could be a demon.  But I love you so much.  But you're so quarrelsome with me.  But you're my wife inshaAllah, and I need you.  I could explain why this is, but what's the point if you don't listen to me.  I guess that I must be grateful with what Allah gives me, and I am very grateful.  Anyway, the ban on travel stands after we marry inshaAllah.  I'm building a tourist attraction here, and you are my wife.  Of course we can take vacations and visit your friends and family.  I'm not a tyrant.  But you had better get all your travel kicks in now, before you marry.  If you do your research, you will find that most supermodels' careers peak right before they marry.  The ones that diversify get to have longer careers.  I will help you diversify if you want, but you must help me as well.  We are a team.  It must be nice to be a beautiful woman, have the men drop like flies.  I wouldn't know.  I have to be a man, and you wouldn't want a man who dances like a woman, would you?

Oh, I might as well explain, for the people who do listen.  At the beginning of the human race, God was about to create Adam out of earth and water.  God announced to the angels that God was about to create Adam out of earth and water, and commanded them to bow to Adam.  Satan (or Iblis in the Qur'an) was a member of the jinn race, which was made of fire.  He considered himself superior to Adam, so he refused to bow to Adam.  God told Satan that it was not his place to be arrogant here, so God cast him out of heaven.  Satan said that since God cast him out of heaven, he will mislead Adam and his descendants away from God.  Later, God commanded Adam and Eve to keep away from the Forbidden Tree.  However, Satan convinced Adam and Eve to eat from the Forbidden Tree, so God banished Adam, Eve, Satan, the human race, and the jinn race to Earth until Judgement Day.  So there are two dominant species on Earth, not one.  So it wasn't Eve who lured Adam to eating of the Forbidden Tree, it was Satan who lured Adam and Eve to eating of the Forbidden Tree.  So if there is discord between man and woman, it is the work of Satan and his descendants.  Keep in mind that not all jinns are evil, just as not all humans are evil.

P.S.  Isn't it an awesome coincidence that Donald Duck goes around bare assed, and has no penis?

P.P.S.  No, I haven't read this novel.

Letter to Erin 20160501

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello, my precious darling!  How's it going today?  Are you feeling pleased with yourself?  Well I think you did great, and that near riot you caused proves that you are MY Rock and Roll Babe.  You should have dome some shopping while you were in LA before you headed south.  What's up with this mystery itinerary, anyway?  I find it hard to accept that it's entirely your doing: there's no way you could have infiltrated the LA underground by yourself.  Whatever you do, please be careful OK?  When life becomes surreal, always trust your heart and your dreams, and don't do anything you don't want to do.  Please pray.  Ya Allah, please protect my Erin and Antonia.  And have tons of fun!  You are MY girl, and you are the most beautiful girl in the world.  I love you and I need you.

Lunch was rather successful today.  It was more of a brunch, because I had some errands to run before the afternoon prayer.  I had some leftover rice from last night's sushi, so I made fried rice with crispy sole.  I wanted to make breaded shrimp for dinner.  Sounds normal, huh?  But I didn't have enough breadcrumbs, so I had to mix what I had with flour, and the shrimp didn't have the right appearance.  Plus, there wasn't enough of it.  I needed 3 times that amount for my voracious appetite.  I guess it's my turn to eat like a supermodel.  I would offer you some, but I ate it all.  Oh no, I forgot to make ranch!

Letter to Erin 20160430

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

It's raining right now!  Alhamdulillah.  So did you have lots of fun with the LA underground?  How on earth did you get that connection?  It must have been a thrill for you to be an outlaw, when those rent-a-cops shone their flashlights at you, and you fled for your life.  You're so cute, Erin!  No please don't get mad at me, please stay a good girl!  I need you to be safe and protected, if anything happened to you I would be absolutely mortified!  I love you so much.  And I need you.

Tonight is sushi night.  I filleted all that sole yesterday, and I went and got some seaweed sheets this morning, so I'm set to make some sushi.  A few setbacks though: I had a leftover seaweed sheet from a year ago and I couldn't waste that, I used Basmati rice which isn't sticky so there were rice grains spilling all over the place, and I don't have wasabi so I used mustard powder instead.  I used sole, egg, and chives to stuff my rolls.  I should have fried up the skins and fins, but I forgot.  I don't use one of those bamboo roller thingies, I just use my hands.  I left the chives long so they would tickle your nose, and the arrangement looks somewhat like a skyscraper landscape.  Want some?

Letter to Erin 20160429

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

The purpose of our marriage is to stay put  and raise a family.  That means no travel.  It's awesome that the world is your oyster right now, and you're busy and successful, but please make a plan to suspend travel after you marry me inshaAllah so you can devote your time to being a mother to your children, and raise them to be good people.  You can still conduct business, but they will have to come to you.  Please make this arrangement!  I love you and I need you.

That being said, congratulations on your new ventures, and you have my support.  Please please please be careful when you go politicking, especially in LA, I don't want you to get hooked or harmed!  Before you register your charity, consider that some people might mistake it for the TransGender Foundation.  Especially if you wear those upside down triangle earrings.  Using your full name is more dignified, don't you agree?  And keep those books straight!  The problem with lack of privacy is that sometimes people know exactly how much change you have in your pocket.

I bought some sole at the market this morning.  You know, flatfish.  It takes some experience to find fish that tastes great for sushi, and sole is awesomely sweet.  The top fillet is soft while the bottom fillet is chewy.  I like to use both in sushi.  Processing sole is tedious, and I spent the evening doing that.  I had to scale and gut it, and it has a LOT of scales for such a small fish.  The skin can be peeled off, and I keep the skin and the fins because they crisp up nicely.  I think it's sushi for dinner tomorrow!  I hope the Chinese grocery store has seaweed sheets.

But dinner tonight was rice.  Most people here eat steamed rice everyday, with a variety of side dishes.  This is known locally as "nasi lauk campur" or "nasi campur".  I prefer steamed rice with only one side dish.  So tonight's dinner was sliced tenderloin with red peppers, onions, and tofu stir fried in light soy sauce and black pepper, to be eaten with steamed rice.  Alhamdulillah.  I'm so full.

Letter to Erin 20160428

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello beautiful Erin.  Hello beautiful Antonia.  How are those emotions today?  I want you to rejoice, because the world is in the palms of your hands, and you didn't have to do too much for it either, and you didn't have to sell your souls.  So why should you care about what the hypocrites have to say?  They are not your friends, and they won't be your friends even if you please them.  While the world is going bonkers over you two, of course I rejoice as well for I am so grateful, but I'm 50 and I've used up most of my libido.  I'm going to have to do drugs to keep up with you.  Sex, Viagra and Rock and Roll.  Rejoice in the world in rememberance of the afterlife, because it is a much better place for the righteous.  No more heartbreak, no more resentment, no more imperfection, no growing old.  Please be good people and pray, because the afterlife is a much better place.

What is home?  It's your house, of course.  I give my life to Allah to build it for you, inshaAllah.  At the gate is an old amra tree, about 50 years old.  It bears so much fruit, and is full of young fruit right now.  The fruit tastes like a slightly sour pear when young, and tastes like a kiwi/peach when fully ripe.  I don't eat much of it, so the neighbors partake of the fruit, which is great for dipping and pickles.  8 years ago, my Mom and I went looking for amra seedlings, and I have one from then which I turned into a bonsai, which I parked in front of my little house.

Are you still being a politician in LA?  I'm sorry if you don't feel comfortable being so immersed in food business without your knowledge, but you had better be ready for it because it's going to happen anyway.  There's not much to it, my beloved.  Just eat what you like to eat and don't eat what you don't like to eat.  You can learn how to cook if you want, it just takes practice.  It's part of success to be a market bender, so rejoice in the world, but remember that the afterlife is a better place.  I love you and I need you.

Letter to Erin 20160427

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

What is home?  For women and children, it is easy for you to return home to your mother.  But I am a 50 year old man.  For me to say that I want to go home to my Mommy is simply freakish.  It just doesn't sound right.  Now don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all my heart but a man needs a place to call his own, a family to call his own.  You are my family, and I am your home inshaAllah.  I love you and I need you.  Ya Allah, please help me.

This morning I went to pay my power bill.  At the same time, I stopped by the Tuesday market down the road and picked up a kilo of shrimp.  Big shrimp, good price.  I think they're farmed shrimp.  I also went downtown to the main market, and got more tofu and won ton skins.  So lunch was obviously fried won tons stuffed with shrimp.  It was a late lunch, because I spent a lot of time processing shrimp.  I had to cut off the moustaches, separate to heads from the bodies, then shell the shrimp for the won tons.  I love shrimp heads, they're great for flavor and for stuffing.  But don't stuff won tons with them!  Stuffed won tons should be light in flavor, so you can't use beef or chicken.  Seafood white meat only, clam meat is OK.  I made 43 won tons.  No, I didn't eat them all in one sitting.  I saved a few for my dinner, which was a block of tofu swimming in thick curry, with won tons.

In the evening, I trimmed the scrub over at your house inshaAllah.  The army ants attacked my balls again, so I had to douse them with pesticide again.  Then I dug up a tapioca for my Mom.  It was HUGE!  I love you, Mom!

Letter to Erin 20160426

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I've mentioned this before, that as my wife you are automatically an endorser of food products.  You might as well take advantage of this privilege, and enjoy the tastes of the world, have dinner parties, eat with your friends at good restaurants, and spend lots of time at the supermarket.  Why, you can even get your agent to arrange endorsements.  It doesn't matter if you know how to cook or not.  Just eat what you like, and don't eat what you don't like.  Of course, if you learn how to cook you will have more power.  And of course, no one wants you to get bloated, least of all me, but I'm sure you know your limit.  You're a professional, right?  Just keep it halal, please.

For example, you know how much I like buffalo wings.  That's hot chicken wings, folks.  A throwback from the pizza days.  I used to eat suicide wings!  Nowadays I got my home made hot sauce which is milder than suicide wings but just as tasty, and at one point I was eating chicken wings every week, a kilo at a time.  Yeah, man-sized portions.  Then suddenly, nobody would sell me chicken wings.  "I don't have chicken wings."  "Those wings come with the chicken."  "I don't have enough to give you."  All sorts of excuses.  But tonight at the night market, blessings rained upon me.  After one guy refused to sell me chicken wings, 5 minutes later another stall popped out of nowhere stacked chest high with chicken, and the guy said "Yeah, I'll sell you chicken wings."  Yeah!  Looks like hot wings this week, Gorgeous Babes!

I bought some chicken rice at the night market for dinner.  Lunch was an eggplant and cheese omelet with hash browns.  Looks like diner food, huh?  I should have left the ketchup in the photo.  Come on over for chicken wings, Babe!  Gorgeous!  I love you and I need you.