Letter to Erin 20160221

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hi Sweetie!  Hi Smiley!  I've been thinking of you all day.  I've been thinking of you so much, that I found it hard to work.  I couldn't concentrate.  I've been thinking of how beautiful and how sweet you are.  I must really love you.  I do love you, and I need you.

I saw your latest appearance on the Dan Patrick show.  That's a beautiful dress.  It's really nice of Dan to upload the show to Google ASAP, that I'm only a couple of days behind from the taping.  You like those guys, huh?  Well, I maintain that all men are beasts.  They are either beasts or impotent- nothing in between, unless it's an impotent beast.  I'm sure Dan and his gang would agree with me.  You don't know because you're not a man.

I'm not knocking your friends, Erin.  I'm confirming what Dan said, that you have leveled up.  He didn't want to look at your monkey pictures!  You must not underestimate the power of a beautiful woman.  Sure you're nice, but being nice means that you could get suckered into a dangerous situation.  And it could be anybody: a sports star, a game show host, a politician, a tramp on the streets...  You have to figure out how to be nice from your elevated position.  Give your charity from a safe distance.  Better yet, secretly.

Oh well.  You hair is super long now, huh?  Is it the longest it's ever been naturally?  Hair doesn't get extra long automatically.  It grows to a certain length then breaks off.  Either you're wearing extensions or your blood has improved in quality.  Maybe I'm seeing things, but you're definitely more beautiful than ever (I thought you were going to bite the microphone, though).  I'm just an average looking guy.  I'm like everyone else: I'm not pretty so I wish I were pretty.  So you better take a gander at this ugly mug while I'm still alive.  If God were to allow me into heaven, I'm going to ask to be pretty.  I want to look like Megan Fox with a body like Eva Herzigova when she was 19.  But with a big dick.  As for you, I don't want you to change.  I love you just the way you are.  Ya Allah, please protect my Erin and grant us a happy and everlasting marriage soon.

Yeah, we all get older.  I'm the guy who loves you.  I'm the guy who wants to marry you and help protect you.  Anyway, say hi and Go Bulls to Dan for me.  Yeah, I'm a sports wife.