Letter to Erin 20150908

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I'm sure you are hooked on white sandy beaches by now.  I mentioned before that if you love tropical beaches, then Langkawi is very close by.  Just a couple hours by boat and we're there.  Quicker by hydrofoil.  Langkawi caters to many westerners, so the sight of you won't bug the eyes out too much of the locals, but everyone will know who you are because of your marriage.  Langkawi is a tourist trap, so everything is expensive.  Bring your own drinking water.  I haven't been there in decades, but from what I hear they've managed to keep it very clean.  Thailand also has great beaches, but it's a longer journey and I don't speak Siamese.  You'll be recognized there too, because many Siamese hang out here.  Phuket is the place to be, that's where they filmed that James Bond movie.

Everything changes after marriage.  You can't expect to keep some of the same habits you did before you got married.  This means that if you want to swim at the beach, you're going to have to wear a scuba outfit instead of a swimsuit.  There is no more incognito for you, Erin.  And even if people did not know who you are, the locals here can get very jealous of your beauty.  Once a white woman in a bikini got murdered in Thailand, and the cops said it was because she was beautiful.  If she had been fat and ugly, no one would have looked twice.  Don't get me wrong, I would love to see the waves spank your butt and make the flesh ripple (in fact I may just loop that for my own pleasure), but there will be no more showing off, despite the fact that I would love to show you off.  You're just too beautiful.  And so is your butt.  I love you.  I love your butt.  And I need you.  If you want, we can set up a wave generator in your house that's hooked up to a spanking machine.  Is 50 hertz OK?

But seriously, when I look at these photos I get concerned about the curvature of your spine.  There's no need to exaggerate your posture to emphasize your butt.  Your butt is so beautiful, it speaks for itself.  Don't you get lower back pains?  You're still young.  When we are married inshaAllah, I will lay you down on a flat surface so I can massage your back.  No, no padding.  No mattress.  A simple mat on a hard concrete floor.  Well, enough talk about this.  Please excuse me, I have to go make a batch of dough.