Letter to Julia 20141108

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello, my beloved Julia and Erin.  How are you feeling right now?  It's been a rough 2 weeks for me, so right now I'm taking it easy, and catching up with some kitchen work.  I made some sardine dip, dough, and right now I'm simmering some red snapper head broth for my noodles.  I think I'll make some beef sausage next.  No, I don't have any casing.  Where can I get halal sheep intestine here?  Sardine dip is not just for dipping bread with, but makes an awesome base for many things like soups, pizza, and fried noodles.  Oh yeah, I think I'll make some sausage pizza tonight.  Want some?

Again I urge you to interact with me using Internet video.  I am firmly convinced that this is very lucrative for you and your bosses, and I want you to make some money.  Whatever you have to say to me, say it in a commercial.  The beauty is that it can be any product, as long as it's halal.  You can ignore comments and statistics, because they are irrelevant.  Shadowplay TV is the best and most watched TV station in the world, mashaAllah.  Just make sure you are well paid, and that your intentions and communication do not get twisted.  So please don't sign with just anybody, and beware of scripted realities.  Have fun, for God's sake.  Just remember that we are a Muslim family, so please be good girls.

I will search for your videos whenever I go to the Internet cafe, whenever that may be.  I will use the search string "julia stegner erin heatherton".  Don't just limit yourself to Google.  It's a great big world out there, and your money may come from anywhere like Russia, Thailand, Saudi Arabia, etc. and can snowball into television, radio and print.  Tell your agents to think big.  I am your husband inshaAllah, and it is my responsibility to provide for you.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Letter to Julia 20141105

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

So all of a sudden, you both are Queen of the Internet.  How did that happen?  From watching your videos, I have come to the conclusion that you both are very, very naughty.  You are as naughty as a gang of kittens.  I love you all the more, but I have a small request: please don't pee on my floor?

But seriously Julia, watching you gives me heart disease.  I must really, really love you.  And you too, Erin.  Perhaps I'm just too sensitive when it comes to you.  You both must take that leap of faith, and use this medium to interact with me.  Just forget the rest of the world, be oblivious, ignore comments and statistics, and interact with me.  You don't have to say much of anything.  All you have to do is be beautiful, and you are beautiful.  You are very beautiful, you are the most beautiful girls in the world, because you are MY girls.  MINE, MINE.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.  Shadowplay TV is the best and most watched TV station in the world, mashaAllah.  Make sure you charge steep prices for endorsements.  This is a gold mine, after all it's a global market.  No, I don't want to consume your hard earned money.

Here, let me do my part.  I'll do the same Q & A by Free People:

Q:  If you could go on a date with anyone, who would it be?
A:  I don't date.  I make a commitment and marry, and I already know who I want to marry.

Q:  Your most prized possession?
A:  My copy of the Qur'an which I bought in 1999 at a Middle Eastern restaurant/grocery store.  I asked the clerk to wrap it up for me because my hands were dirty, and he gave me a dirty look.  Actually, it belongs to God, so it's not MY possession.

Q:  Do you like cats or dogs?
A:  Hands down cats, but I don't mind dogs, especially the ones that are well loved and well taken care of.  By the way, Casper used to be my drummer's name, but now I do my own drumming.  That's reminds me, I didn't post this video properly a few years ago.

Q:  What's one word that describes you?  Why?
A:  Unknown.  I don't know.

P.S. Please be good girls.  Sorry to make you even more famous.

Letter to Julia 20141104

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Did you like that song, Julia?  Isn't that beautiful music?  At first, I had some other video to post for your birthday.  But right now I'm studying about Badfinger, and I found that song to be so much more appropriate.  The history of Badfinger is very sad, with complex roots that involve the Beatles, and the impact on entertainment business still resonates today, and has gone global.  People aren't aware of it, and they forget the music, but those who remember know that the music is very beautiful.  You and Erin should look up the story of Badfinger.  If you can find it.

And how are you doing, Erin sweetie?  Are you having a great time?  It must be awesome to be as beautiful as you and Julia.  Don't forget that it gets very lonely at the top, and that's one reason why we must marry.  I want to keep you close to me at all times.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Floofy has run out of milk.  Which must be awkward for her, because she is cooped up all night inside the house with kittens that are always hungry and naughty.  At times she plays with them, but when she's not in the mood to play, she hisses and snarls at them.  Especially at Bob Cat and Bat Cat.  The boys can get really obnoxious.  I guess she's saying, "Get the human to give you food."  Well, feeding time is dawn and 4pm.  You are invited anytime.  No, not for cat food.  Tonight the human food is steak and fries.  Crinkle cut!

Letter to Julia 20141102

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Happy birthday, beautiful Julia.  I love you, and I need you. I want to marry you.

It is my goal to build your house, and to take good loving care of you and Erin.

Qur'an 20141102

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

91.  For me, I have been commanded to serve the Lord of this city, God Who has sanctified it, and Whose is all things.  And I am commanded to be of those who bow in Islam.

92.  And to rehearse the Qur'an.  And if any accept guidance, they do it for the good of their own souls.  And if any stray say, "I am only a warner."

93.  And say, "Praise be to Allah Who will soon show you God's Signs, so that you shall know them."  And your Lord is not unmindful of all that you do.

The Ants 27:91-93
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I am only a warner.

Praise be to Allah Who will soon show you God's Signs, so that you shall know them.

Letter to Julia 20141031

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Bobby-Wobby's voice has broken!  He has a REAL meow now, and he doesn't squeak like a kitten like the others.  What a macho cat.  **sob**  My Bobby-Wobby has grown up!  He's a big boy now.  No, he's a MAN.  I mean, cat.  My kittens are 3 and a half months old now, and they are beautiful and healthy.  Alhamdulillah.

I had never eaten snails before.  Out there in the mud of the Perlis coast lives a snail which the locals call "belitong".  I was at the market this morning, and got myself a red snapper, and I picked up a kilo of these snails.  When I got home, I showed one to my Mom, and she said "Yes, it looks like garden snail."  I asked her how these things are usually cooked.  She told me to clean them up, and fry up a sauce of blended onions, garlic, ginger and peppers.  The snails are cone shaped, and the tips have to be snipped off so the meat can be sucked and slurped out of the shell.  This is where Iron Chef misled me, because I thought these snails would be like escargot and generate broth, so I made the sauce light in flavor.  I told my Mom that these snails didn't make any broth and she said "Yes, they don't make any broth."  Now she tells me.  She also told me that they won't keep past a day, so I refried them for dinner with a stronger sauce.  I think that snails taste thicker than shellfish.  Also, it was hard for me to tell if a snail was dead when I prepped them, and there were so many of them, so when I came across a dead snail when I ate, I slurped up a solid helping of coastal mud.  Gag!  Next time I'll be more meticulous.  I was snailed out by the end of the night.  Seemed like more than a kilo, though.

Julia, the world is going bonkers over your 30th birthday.  They're making me feel like a sleazebag, because all I can afford is to post a cheesy virtual card and a video.  I'm so very sorry for being poor, please forgive me.  It seems to me that your 30th birthday has lasted a whole month so far.  Well, I need to balance out my TV station because I have more videos of Erin over Julia, so starting Sunday I will be searching the Internet for more of your videos.  Please have the videos you don't want me to see removed.  I hate bad news, and I hate lies.

Erin, you are such a sweetheart!  You have such a kind heart.  People talk to you and think, "She's so sweet, she must be hiding something."  They don't appreciate what a heart of gold you have, and take your goodness for granted.  Well, I appreciate how sweet you are, you beautiful little treasure you.  Just remember that it gets lonely at the top but don't worry, I'll marry you and keep you close to me.  InshaAllah.  You are not alone.  Please don't forget I have to marry Julia first.

Julia and Erin, you are my wives.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Letter to Julia 20141029

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Ugh... I still don't feel good.  I'm so dizzy and nauseous, I have stomach cramps, and my chest is so congested it almost feels like... pneumonia.  It's going away, slowly.  InshaAllah.  I just want to lie around and watch TV.

Sorry to moan about my sickness.  I bought some assorted crabs at the night market Monday.   Crab here is frustratingly small although plentiful, but not small enough to fry whole.  So I decided to take a different approach.  Most of the meat is in the body, so I separated the bodies and put them in the cooler.  I'm thinking crab nuggets rolled in hot wing sauce.  What do you think?  Which leaves the legs and claws, so I squeezed out the meat with a rolling pin.  There's quite a lot of meat if you're patient enough to extract it.  Looks like it's stuffed won tons with crab tomorrow.  Want some?  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.