Letter to Julia 20141108

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello, my beloved Julia and Erin.  How are you feeling right now?  It's been a rough 2 weeks for me, so right now I'm taking it easy, and catching up with some kitchen work.  I made some sardine dip, dough, and right now I'm simmering some red snapper head broth for my noodles.  I think I'll make some beef sausage next.  No, I don't have any casing.  Where can I get halal sheep intestine here?  Sardine dip is not just for dipping bread with, but makes an awesome base for many things like soups, pizza, and fried noodles.  Oh yeah, I think I'll make some sausage pizza tonight.  Want some?

Again I urge you to interact with me using Internet video.  I am firmly convinced that this is very lucrative for you and your bosses, and I want you to make some money.  Whatever you have to say to me, say it in a commercial.  The beauty is that it can be any product, as long as it's halal.  You can ignore comments and statistics, because they are irrelevant.  Shadowplay TV is the best and most watched TV station in the world, mashaAllah.  Just make sure you are well paid, and that your intentions and communication do not get twisted.  So please don't sign with just anybody, and beware of scripted realities.  Have fun, for God's sake.  Just remember that we are a Muslim family, so please be good girls.

I will search for your videos whenever I go to the Internet cafe, whenever that may be.  I will use the search string "julia stegner erin heatherton".  Don't just limit yourself to Google.  It's a great big world out there, and your money may come from anywhere like Russia, Thailand, Saudi Arabia, etc. and can snowball into television, radio and print.  Tell your agents to think big.  I am your husband inshaAllah, and it is my responsibility to provide for you.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.