Letter to Julia 20131210

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Love and greetings my beautiful ladies, my beloved Julia and Erin.  How are you feeling today?  I had to vacuum clean my kitchen and living room yesterday, and it's been over a month since I last did that.  I'm so lazy!  But after all, I'm still alone and without you.  I wish we could be together during these intense times, but as you know, I cannot have you marry into my poverty, for your well-being is of highest priority to me, by the Will of Allah.  I would have to exert whatever influence I have from a distance to help you, confront some nasty bitches for example.  But I think it should be easier for you (as opposed to me) to capitalize on whatever fame Allah has given me, while I'm the one who takes the slide.  Just tell them, "I'm his wife, inshaAllah".  Being a woman has the general advantage that you don't have to face off enemies on a regular and physical basis: you would have a man do that for you.  Kill one snake, and there are five more that get away.  Big, fat ones too.  So I attract the snakes to me, away from you inshaAllah.  But Allah is the Best to Protect.

But Allah does not heap any burden on a soul more than it can bear.  So if you so happen to capitalize on whatever fame Allah has given me, then make sure you have your own route ready back to your comfort zone.  Like when Fluffy climbed onto my roof via the cherry tree in front of my bedroom window, she stays on the roof pleading with me to bring her down.  Get down the same way you got up, Fluffy!  I'm too heavy to climb up that cherry tree!

Anyway, please pray and make sure you thank Allah for whatever advantage that God has given you.  Thank you for your love, my precious wives.  Ya Allah, thank you for Julia and Erin.

Letter to Julia 20131210

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hugs and loving greetings, my dearest beloved Julia and Erin.  Yesterday I was feeling so agitated, my hands were still shaking at sunset.  I had to drive all over town to find drugs for the drug addict cat, and to find a place to blog.  Then I had to deal with nasty bitches trying to muscle my Sweeties.  Nasty bitches!  They probably earned their modeling positions through politics as opposed to actual beauty.  Everyone can tell who they are.  They are the ones who look like beef jerky wearing beautiful lingerie.

Of course it is important for you to wear beautiful clothes, because you are my Sweeties and you are Top Models, and since you are MY Sweeties that makes topper than any other top model.  Just don't be wasteful and excessive in your fashion, because Allah does not love those who waste by excess.  Dress beautifully wherever you go.  Don't dress sexy, dress beautifully.

Letter to Julia 20131209

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hey there, my dearest Julia and Erin.  Wow, it's getting more and more tedious to blog this letter.  Too much fame is the problem.  Please be patient and pray, and inshaAllah our situation will be resolved with ease.  You must have some nasty bitches trying to put a cap on how high and how quickly you are rising.  Well, you are MY girls, and I love YOU, so in my eyes you are way better than them.

I attended a wedding yesterday, just up the street next to the elementary school.  I went early to join the village men in saying a prayer.  Then I ate, which was rice with chicken, fish, salted fish and eggplant.  I didn't stay long because I didn't want to hang around.  They had an India-style drum troupe for entertainment with a snake charmer flute going.  I had to voice train over that, but my singing should have matched well with them in a ghostly sort of way.  I have to admit I was a little bummed out, because I want to be married to you.  So please be patient with me and have faith in Allah, and pray with me that Allah will grant me the wealth I need to give you a happy and secure married life soon.

I love you, and I need you.

Letter to Julia 20131207

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Good Saturday, my dearest Julia and Erin.  How are you feeling today?  Are you keeping safe, and taking good, loving care of yourself?  Please remember how important you are and are to me, Mrs. Global.  I am waiting as you are waiting, for Allah to bless me with the wealth I need to give you a happy and secure married life.  That is my commitment, and I intend to keep it, inshaAllah.  Please pray with me that it will be soon.

I had fish for dinner.  It's the mackerel I bought for Batty and I had to finish it, now that's he's all grown up and gone female hunting.  The pulverized shrimp I told you about worked excellently for stuffed wontons, and it was OK for stuffing grilled fish.  It took only 2 days in the cooler for it to ferment, and after it did, it can only be used as flavoring or fond.  Which I did use for fond for my fried rice, which would have been perfect if I hadn't put too much water in the rice when I steamed it.  It was the normal amount of water I normally use, but this time I put bamboo shoots into the rice when I cooked it.  Perhaps that was what made it sticky.  I plan to work on my dessert skills in the future.  I don't eat much sweets: I prefer savory over sweet, but I want to make many chocolate goodies for you, because I love you, and I want to pamper you.  Please don't overdo the munchies, and we will have a home blood sugar level tester, inshaAllah.

Letter to Julia 20131205

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hi there my most beloved, how are you feeling?  It's been raining everyday lately, and I've barely been able to get out of the house to blog without getting drenched.  Julia, I hope you are staying safe and healthy.  Please realize that you are not the same as you were 4 years ago in respect of the Public Eye,  Yeah, fame is not a blessing, and can be a real drag, but it can make money.  So please be a wise businesswoman, and remember that the goal of our marriage is to slow down, and have the business come to us.  InshaAllah.  The same goes to you, Erin.  Plus, one thing about being married to me is the supernatural: it has a habit of being real most of the time, if not all the time.  The community here accepts the supernatural as part of their daily lives, and so does the environment.  I have no choice but to live a spiritual life, that's why it is important to me that both of your Islam is genuine.  You don't have to be extreme, just sincere.  My job is to provide for you, love you, and help protect you.  InshaAllah.  You are loved.  Please don't ever feel abandoned, and always know that you are loved.

Letter to Julia 20131202

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hey there, my beautiful precious Julia.  It's raining right now, but I'm only partially drenched.  I bought some shrimp last night at the night market.  I plan to pulverize it with garlic, lemongrass, and onion into a stuffing.  My Dad bought me one of those large Scads, so I'll be grilling a fish tomorrow, and I won't be in to blog perhaps.  Grilling anything is such an involved project.  I also bought some wonton skins for my shrimp stuffing.  Wanna join me for munchies?  How about you, Erin?  Julia, I hope you haven't been trying to make friends with people who wish to harm you.  Please don't do that.  Stay in your own territory.  Come to me.  I love you, and will embrace you.  I will help to protect you.  InshaAllah.  Allah is the Best to protect.  Please do not annoy God by making friends with people who wish to harm you.

Hey Erin, you gorgeous thing you!  How are you feeling, Gorgeous?  I'm watching the VS fashion show backstage right now.  Oh, you are so beautiful!  Is that natural beauty?  Wow!  The fashion show hasn't hit the Web yet, so I haven't seen it.  I can't wait to see you in your awesome outfits.  Oh, the anticipation!  I love you, Erin.

Letter to Julia 20131201

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Dearest Julia, I don't normally blog on a Sunday, but I just had to tell you something.  My sources tell me that you are accident prone right now, so please avoid travel as much as possible.  This is compounded by the fact that more people are jealous of you now more than ever.  You know jealousy, right?  It's a Biblical thing.  Qur'anic, rather.  Be suspicious of business that underpays you and forces you to travel.  I hate it when people don't know how much you're worth.  They had better start treating you better now before they have to go through me to get your business.  I would dig up all their skeletons in their closets just to protect my Julia.  InshaAllah.

You take care too, Erin.  You both mean the world to me, and I love you with all my heart.