Letter to Erin 20160419

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

So what are you hankering after?  For a child, I mean.  A son or a daughter?  At my age, I want as many healthy children as possible.  Which is the primary reason if I seek 3 wives, if that is the Will of Allah.  I want to name my first son Muhammad and my first daughter Mary.  You can go ahead and name the rest of the kids.  Marrying my Erin has proved to be a momentous task as it is, so I'll take what Allah gives me.  Assuming I survive, of course.

Yeah, yeah.  But this is an important point, because now at 50 I still have a little bit of strength left to look after you and help protect you.  You can tell your family that I will raise our children as Muslims, so as to not abandon their parents when they get old.  So as to not abandon their mother after their father passes away.  If you value this, then you must value my teaching you and our children Islamic values.  Not the values you see from people who call themselves Muslim then drink, gamble, consume interest, blow up innocent people, etc.  It is the end of the world, after all.  Please be close to me, allow me to look after you, and aid me in this.  I love you and I need you.

OK, what's for dinner?  Lunch was noodles in soup as usual (I'm so Asian), but today I ate at Omar's.  I was thinking about skipping dinner, because my uncle and aunt came visiting and there was all this stuff to eat at my parents' house.  We got around to talking about witchcraft, certainly the Malay race is a superstitious bunch.  I know that people always try to hex me, but I am concerned about you.  You might pick a toy or knick knack somewhere, thinking that it's cute, when it's a hex specially prepared for you.  Yes, people do that, and they do that more often than you can imagine.  So remember this: most magic is designed to sow discord between husband and wife, and remember this: no one can harm you except as Allah wills.

After the night prayer, I got around to cooking.  I made a calzone stuffed with chili and cheese.  Looks good, huh?  Alhamdullilah.  Want some?

Letter to Erin 20160418

 In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Please keep your nose clean!  If you're thinking that doing drugs is a good way to attract my attention, then you're mistaken.  I am NOT going to marry a party girl.  I want you to abstain from drugs AND alcohol.  I want to raise a family, and I want to provide my wife and kids the best conditioning that reality has to offer.  I'm sure the whole planet knows that I like pretty blondes, but what's most important to me is your chastity and piety.

I don't normally relate my dreams here for the crowd to see, but last night's dream was so awesomely entertaining that I absolutely have to share it.  The first thing that happened is that I suddenly became pretty.  Plus I was built like a model with a fairly sized rack (not a Laetitia Casta or Eva Herzigova, but around the size of a Gisele Bundchen), my hair was a Dutch bob and all black.  No grey hairs!  I still had my penis, not super hung but good enough.  I was singing to a crowd, not on a stage but at the edge of the crowd, singing to a wall while my voice reflected off the wall and projected everywhere.  Then I joined a production team, and I had my own makeup artist and music crew and stuff.  Then the business manager came up to me and told me that I had to model and sing at the same time.  What!  That's impossible!  I was working at a fashion show at a university or something with all these other models.  It was raining and flooding but I was able to drive my motorcycle through the water.   Suddenly the university turned into a night club but the manager said, "Don't worry, you won't have to work in a bar."  Suddenly, numbers were being called out and I was wearing this modest dress, and one model said, "You have to get out of that dress and get into that white dress and hurry because they're going to call your number!"  The white dress was way short, with the hem right at the crotch.  I was naked and trying to step into the dress but I got tangled up in it because I was wearing these high heels, then they called out my number and my dick was hanging out of the dress, and it was chaos!

I had leftover chili for lunch and I had to finish off the flat noodles, so I had noodles in soup for dinner.  The soup was chicken and basil, extra thick.  Remember what I told you about cooking: use a medium or low flame only unless you have absolute confidence to use a large flame.  Hey, Babe!  Come and be my babe, and share my food with me!  I love you and I need you.

Letter to Erin 20160417

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello, Erin.  I want you to know that I think you are very beautiful, and I love you with all my heart.  I didn't have a very productive morning.  Though I got up early, I slept most of the morning away after watering the plants.  With all that sleep, I should have rocked right through my voice training set.  But I think I'm getting better alhamdulillah, and it's wearing me out.  The increase in knowledge wears me out.  There's simply no perfection in this life.  We may think that because of our abilities or gifts, we deserve the best of everything.  But there's no  perfection in this life.  That's why we cannot keep all the friends that we make through life, for if they don't become corrupt then we do.  So there's no use in being conceited with what we have and have achieved.

Remember I told you that there were hundreds of creepers crawling over the deadwood that I chainsawed on the west border of your house inshaAllah?  I spent the evening breaking them down again with the chainsaw.  But there were too many army ants, so I soaked them down with bug spray.  But there were too many of them, I'll have to let the poison soak in before I try again.  No, I didn't take a photo of it.  Yard work is sweaty work, and I don't feel like handling a chainsaw and a camera at the same time.  I will eventually take photos of the area where I live and what will be your house inshaAllah.  I'm warning you that since I don't have any money, everything still looks squalid (which is not as bad as what it used to look like).  But with a vision of faith and imagination, then anything can be inshaAllah.  Then I had dinner at Ina's.  She has rice in RM1 portions, which I enjoy with iced tea.

I've been a lone wolf most of my life.  You have many friends and some powerful bosses, but none of them have any influence on me.  My Boss is Allah.  But you do have one friend that is with me all the time.  It's Floofy.  I can't explain it, but that cat is a devout advocate of you to me.  She always defends your actions, and always thinks highly of you.  I feel that she is more devoted to you than to me.  I'm just the guy who feeds and protects her.  When you meet her inshaAllah, make sure you thank her, always be gentle with her, and do whatever she asks you to do.

It's going to take me a while to process your Instagram page.  I know you would want me to go through the whole thing.  I'm still angry, and I don't want to consume too much at a time.  If you care about how I feel, then please make an effort to delete any offending posts.  It should be simple for you to understand me: I'm as sensitive as you are.  I love you and I need you.

Letter to Erin 20160416

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hi Erin!  How's it going today, my love?  I've been in the garden all morning.  My Mom said that there's a water ration tomorrow, so I had to gather water for the plants.  I also did some harvesting.  I remember saying in January that the heat means that there isn't any weather distortion, but I was wrong.  This drought is not normal.  But God brings blessings with this drought in ways that we can't see, praise be to Allah.  Just like my being poor right now is a blessing, that I don't wind up buying diamond rings for people who don't deserve it.  I heat up so easily though, and I wouldn't mind at all living where it never gets hot.  My power bill is feeling the burn.

I found a nice wallpaper from your page.  I did some editing of course, but I posted my edited wallpaper here for your fans to enjoy.  On my desktop, the clock is right above your head.  By the way, please don't go kissing guys then posting it on your page.  Maybe it was just a platonic friendly kiss, but it makes me look like a jackass and if I behaved with women the same way you behave with men, you would be furious.  You know you would.  So if you're serious about marriage then don't test my heart like that.  Yeah, go ahead and be true to yourself.  I am not allowed to inherit you against your will.

I'm writing this letter earlier than usual, before Friday prayer.  Probably because I chose to inspect your page, and you got under my skin.  I hate being angry, because it can take me years to calm down.  It's because I love you and I need you.  I have for a long time already.  Don't you realize that?  My parents bought me lunch today.  Roti canai (pronounced "chanai" because some big shots decided that "ch" should be spelled as "c" some decades ago), which is a type of India flat bread.  I wonder what's for dinner?  Ugh... I have heartburn.

Letter to Erin 20160415

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I suppose you're thinking that you have to work harder, but that's wrong.  You need to relax and enjoy your success.  I'm not talking about celebrating and partying.  I'm talking about slamming on the brakes and slowing down.  Give your heart a break.  Hang on to your heart.  Hang on to yourself.  Work when you need to, and take your time.

Looks like I'm going to need a new wallpaper, so I'm going to pick one up at your Instagram page.  I like a black background, because it's easy on my eyes and monitor.  None of that naked stuff.  I prefer to with you in person when you're naked, so I can reach out and grab you and play doctor.  But for a wallpaper, do you have something artistic and moody with you in a purple dress and maybe a hummingbird in torpor perched on a willow with a full moon in the background?  Do you have that on your page?

I spent the evening with my trusty old weed whacker, cutting all the saplings growing at your house inshaAllah.  There must have been thousands of them, generated when I took down all the big trees growing on the west border,  The area is also inundated with hundreds of creepers, climbing over all the deadwood.  I need to go back there with the chainsaw and break things down properly so it would be easier to cut all those creepers.  What a nuisance.  Maybe I should just poison them all.

I made a batch of dough for my Mom this morning.  She let me have half the batch, so that's 4 small dough balls for my Mom and 2 large dough balls for me.  I may be a chick singer, but I need man-sized portions.  I think it's great that you're learning how to cook.  I'm a tyrant when it comes to cooking, I only like it my way, because I don't know any other way.  Over 30 years of feeding myself.  Lunch was noodles in soup as usual.  This time it's flat noodles in a thin broth, with egg drop.  Siamese hot sour soup, known here as Tom Yam.  Hey, come on over and share my food with me.  I love you and I need you.

Letter to Erin 20160414

 In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Ach!  I was trying to upload some photos I took with my phone camera, when I accidentally turned your birthday pizza into my wallpaper!  I guess that means it's time for a new wallpaper.  Wow Erin, the media is going bonkers over your interview with Time magazine.  I didn't bother saving the videos in German and Turkish, though.  Congratulations on your being in Time magazine.  That's certainly a step up in seriousness from fashion and men's magazines.  By the way, I think your body is smokin' hot.

I bookmarked your Instagram page.  I visited it for the first time today right before dawn prayer, sorry it took me so long.  It made me very sad, so I wasn't able to go back to sleep.  I'll be back regularly to check up on you inshaAllah.

I had noodles in soup for lunch again.  Very Asian of me, huh?  I took a photo of the ingredients I used and also of how big my soup bowl is: I put my hand right beside it to show you how big it is.  Actually, it doesn't look as impressive as I thought it would be because my hand is so big and my phone camera is so crummy.  The bowl is one foot in diameter and 6 inches tall.  Anyway the noodles are rice vermicelli and the soup is chicken and egg drop, extra thick (like shark's fin soup).  You welcome to share it with me, of course.  I love you and I need you.

Letter to Erin 20160413

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hi Erin Sweetie!  How's it going?  My schedule has gone back to normal, and I don't understand why it had to go out of control like it did, but it did.  What's for dinner tonight, honey?  I had a big bowl of noodles in soup for lunch, and I made a batch of chili for dinner.  I had to make a quick run to the grocery store for a loaf of bread, but there's plenty of chili left over so you're welcome to that if you want.  I have a whole lot of encoding to do, and after I do that then I got to get back to "Woo Hoo".  There's always something to do around here.  Damn, I lazy.  I hope you're getting plenty of rest and eating adequately.  Please pray.  I love you and I need you.