Letter to Julia 20141202

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hi there, my beautiful Julia and Erin!  Are you excited?  I am.  I wonder why?  Maybe I did too many push ups.  Otherwise, I'm just hanging out at home, doing some TV programming.  I've been doing a lot of physical labor and running around, so I'm trying to take it easy right now.  I wish I could do everything by telekinesis, but I had to roll my egg rolls by hand.  They were stuffed with tofu, fish balls, bean sprouts, garlic, kaffir lime shoots, and egg, all chopped up for convenience of rolling.  I had planned to fry them up for a crispy treat, then I tried one plain, and it was so awesome alhamdulillah that I ate them all plain.  Very healthy and refreshing.  Oh no!  I didn't leave any for you!  Well you didn't show up for dinner, so I ate them all.  I had a lot of stuffing left over, so I had the egg rolls fried for lunch the next day.  Fried egg rolls tasted better with mustard and soy sauce, but I still can't abide with all that grease.  There's something about egg rolls that absorb a lot of grease.  Maybe my oil wasn't hot enough.

Have you noticed I haven't made any VS jokes?   I do have one.  It's a secret.  Erin, I can't wait to see you in the VS fashion show.  You are so beautiful.  So are you, Julia.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Letter to Julia 20141130

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

What a month it's been!  I pray you both are feeling great, and having lots of fun.  Please maintain your prayers.  I see your nose has sparked a wave of German nationalism, Julia.  Am I correct?  Well, you do have a beautiful nose.  I love your nose.  Now from what I understand from studying the Qur'an, I believe that God's consideration of Rasputin is that he "was disdainful of God's gifts, and gave himself up to worldly enjoyment."  I'm sure there are some spiritual healers out there, and they are not witchdoctors because they don't use magic.  All I do is put people and animals to sleep, mashaAllah.

I went to the cat show yesterday.  There were a LOT of people there.  So many people, but not that many cats.  But I was there early at 10 am though, so I'm sure some of the stars had not shown up yet.  They had the show at the snake farm.  I came eye to eye with a king cobra.  Very creepy.  Makes me want to carry a shotgun.  I hate snakes.  They scare me, and fill me with the urge to kill.  Anyway, speaking of cats, poor little Bat Cat has acquired a serious disposition.  This is because his mother is so strict with him.  She's strict with all the kittens, but more so with Batty.  She doesn't tolerate any frivolity or innuendo from him whatsoever.  But he has been extremely well behaved.

It's almost time for the VS fashion show!!  I can't wait to see my sweetie!  I'm sure she's going to be so beautiful.  You are going to be there Erin, are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you?  Are you? 

Julia and Erin, you are my wives inshaAllah.  I love you, I love.  And I need you, I need you.

Letter to Julia 20141128

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I've been watching the Olympic figure skating championships since Katarina Witt, and there's an interesting sequence in the gold medal winners.  Let's see... Germany, Germany, Ukraine, USA, USA, Japan, South Korea, and Russia.  Does this sound like the current politics you're embroiled in, Julia dearest?  Must be BIG money.  Well, don't think "World War One": I think that's the wrong perspective.  Please remember that you are my wife, inshaAllah.  And I am merely a servant of Allah.  Since I'm so hard to reach, people are trying to reach you in order to reach me.  Just pretend you're already here.  Geographically.

And Erin dearest, I'm going to do the same questionnaire you did with LynetteJoselly.com 2012.  So I'm slow, OK?

Q:  Tell us about the VS very sexy tour.
A:  I'm too lazy to tour.

Q:  Describe yourself in 3 words.
A:  Unknown, Vague, Islam.

Q:  A message to upcoming models.
A:  Be cautious in love.

Q:  Are you a sporty or a girly-girl?
A:  Girly-girl.

Q:  Tell us about the Very Sexy Spring 2012 collection.
A:  You should ask Erin that.

Q:  When do you feel the most sexy?
A:  15 minutes after I wake up in the morning.

Q:  What is your favorite exercise?
A:  Chopping trees, as long as it falls in the right direction.

Julia and Erin, you are my wives inshaAllah.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Letter to Julia 20141125

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Hello there, my beautiful Julia and Erin.  How are you feeling today?  I pray you are feeling healthy and confident, and having a great time.  Everyone around me seems to be rushing around.  I'm already where I'm supposed to go, so it's pointless for me to rush around.  But the weather keeps me on my toes- it has been very wet lately.  So I've been taking it slow.  I've started playing pinball again, and I'm totally out of practice.  I've become very bulky in my old age: I'm bumping into walls and crushing things in my path, so I've lost much sensitivity and fast reflexes needed for pinball.  I did cut the grass by the road outside of Casa de Julia inshaAllah.  The grass was so wet, and itched very much when it splattered on my face.  Nothing special on the menu either.  I've been finishing off that awesome home made beef sausage, so it's been a lot of pizza for me.  I had some eggplant, so I hollowed them out and stuffed them with sauce, sausage, and cheese.  Tasted refreshing, but the pizza tasted better.  Sausage, eggplant and basil pizza.  Yummy and greasy.  I love grease.  I'm a bad boy.

This happens to be my week of isolation, so you won't hear from me again until Friday or Saturday.  Please take good loving care of yourselves in my absence.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.

Qur'an 20141125

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

49.  No, here are Signs self-evident in the hearts of those endowed with knowledge, and none but the unjust reject Our Signs.

50.  Yet they say, "Why are not Signs sent down to him from his Lord?"  Say: "The Signs are indeed with Allah, and I am indeed a clear warner."

51.  And is it not enough for them that We sent down to you the Book which is rehearsed to them?  Verily, in it is Mercy and a Reminder to those who believe.

52.  Say: "Enough is Allah for a Witness between me and you: God knows what is in the heavens and on earth, and it is those who believe in vanities and reject Allah, that will perish."

53.  They ask you to hasten on the Punishment: had it not been for a term appointed, the Punishment would certainly have come to them, and it will certainly reach them- of a sudden, while they perceive not!

54.  They ask you to hasten on the Punishment: but of a surety, hell will encompass the rejecters of Faith!

55.  On the Day that the Punishment shall cover them from above them and from below them, and shall say: "Taste you of your deeds!"

56.  O My servants who believe!  Truly spacious is My Earth, therefore serve you Me!

57.  Every soul shall have a taste of death: in the end to Us shall you be brought back.

58.  But those who believe, and work deeds of righteousness- to them shall We give a Home in Heaven: lofty mansions which flow rivers, to dwell therein for aye- an excellent reward for those who do!

59.  Those who persevere in patience, and put their trust in their Lord and Cherisher.

60.  How many are the creatures that carry not their own sustenance?  It is Allah who feeds them and you, for God hears and knows.

61.  If indeed you ask them who has created the heavens and the earth, and subjected the sun and the moon, they will certainly reply, "Allah".  How are they then deluded away?

62.  Allah enlarges the sustenance to whichever of God's servants God pleases: and God grants by measure, for Allah has full knowledge of all things.

63.  And if indeed you ask them who it is that sends down rain from the sky, and gives life therewith to the earth after its death, they will certainly reply, "Allah!"  Say: "Praise be to Allah!" but most of them understand not.

The Spider 29:49-63
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The Signs are indeed with Allah, and I am indeed a clear warner.

Enough is Allah for a Witness between me and you: God knows what is in the heavens and on earth, and it is those who believe in vanities and reject Allah, that will perish.

Praise be to Allah!

Qur'an 20141124

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

45.  Recite what is sent of the Book by inspiration to you, and establish regular prayer, for prayer restrains from shameful and unjust deeds.  And rememberance of Allah is the greatest, without doubt.  And Allah knows what you do.

46.  And dispute you not with the people of the Book except with means better, unless it be with those of them who inflict wrong.  But say, "We believe in the Revelation which has come down to us and in that which came down to you: our God and your God is One, and it is to God we bow".

47.  And thus, that We have sent down the Book to you.  So the people of the Book believe therein, as also do some of these, and none but unbelievers reject Our Signs.

The Spider  29:45-47
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We believe in the Revelation which has come down to us and in that which came down to you: our God and your God is One, and it is to God we bow.

Letter to Julia 20141122

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

I'm pleased to announce that the search results for your videos have at least tripled since last week.  This is good news because it's not Google.  The bad news is that some of them are misleading.  Well, you know what I mean.  It's like you're playing ice hockey.

That's just the Internet.  It's become obvious that more and more people are smelling the money.  Suddenly you're not in too big of a hurry to get married, huh?  Well, take your time.  Make lots of money for yourselves, please.  It does not reflect well on your reputation and your destiny that you lag behind, but I forgive you.  What I care about is your chastity, and your Islam.  Don't be extremists, just maintain your prayers with sincerity, and do the best you can with the situation that Allah has given you.  This is what will matter to me when my time comes, rather when the money comes to me inshaAllah.  Then I will build your house.

I want you to know that you are loved, and I am here for you, and faithful inshaAllah.  So hang in there.  No matter what some people may say or do, you are loved, you are loved.  I will not abandon you, inshaAllah.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.