Letter to Julia 20141110

In the name of Allah, most Gracious, most Merciful.

Ah!  I'm pleased to announce that my home made halal beef sausage was a resounding success.  My sausage and basil pizza was like from heaven.  And the beauty is that there's no pig in it!  I put my beef sausage up against any Chicago pizza.  I once met an heir of a Chicago sausage maker back while I was at the pizza joint.  I won't mention the family name, but if one were to hear it then one would think to oneself, "That's the family name of a sausage maker for sure."

Mystery of the Worms: the stool of my kittens have been soft recently.  I thought that it was stress from the intense weather lately, then I saw white specks in the stool.  I took a closer look, and the white specks were wriggling!  I went to the vet first thing this morning, but how did those worms get there?  They don't go outside the house.  They eat only cat food.  The sand didn't have any worms in it.  Their mother had a worm shot.  Sure they like to put things in their mouths and play with it, but my house has never been so clean: the little brats make me mop everywhere at least twice a day with bleach.  Well, like Sherlock Holmes said, "If you rule out the impossible, what's left is the solution."  It's either the sand or the cat food.

Of course the first type of people you would find on the Internet are the perverts.  I especially hate the perverts that pass themselves off as intellectuals, when sexual perversion is a base instinct.  Like a "De Sadean scholar" carries himself like a gourmet, yet we all know what it is he likes to eat.  Another thing Julia, is that I love your nose.  I told you before that I love your nose, and I don't want you to change it.  Julia, you have a beautiful nose.  It's a magnificent and regal nose.  If anybody tells you that you should change your nose, give me their names and I'll have them firebombed.  Just kidding!  Maybe.

Erin, I saw the list of models for the next VS fashion show, and your name wasn't there.  What!!  Where's my sweetie?  Are you perhaps doing a cameo?  Are you going to be masquerading as a rock star?  Are you going to be disguised as Todd Thomas?

Julia and Erin, you are my wives inshaAllah.  I love you, I love you.  And I need you, I need you.